


Kerosene

by antibanana



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Adopted Sibling Relationship, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Blood, Darkfic, Drug-Induced Sex, Dubious Consent, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Obsessive Behavior, POV Rey (Star Wars), Past Infidelity, Past Sexual Abuse, Possessive Behavior, Rey is adopted, Sexual Abuse, Stalking, Underage Sex, Violence, crystal castles made me do it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-06-23 16:44:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15610578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antibanana/pseuds/antibanana
Summary: Months after her mother’s death and her near demise, Rey Organa struggles with living alone and her memory loss. Encouraged by her therapist, Rey documents her memories in a series of journal entries, hoping to find catharsis - and explanations to inexplicable events that lead her to a startling discovery - she is not completely alone as she believed.





	1. Light of God dimming weak

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Crystal Castles and their song lyrics

“Reychelle -” 

 

“It’s Rey.” I correct her, and wince. Only Leia can call me that.  _ Leia… _ I close my eyes when I feel the tears pooling in my sockets, and when I open them I stare at the pale sky blue ceiling of Dr. Amilyn Holdo’s office. I am avoiding her pitying eyes. They remind me of Leia. Warm, welcoming, maternal. I think of her and bile rises in my throat. I want my mom. I want my mom and she’s not coming back.  _ Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.  _ I have no one to console me but myself, and I feel eight years old again. Alone. 

  
  


I swallow then breathe in, and I feel my lungs fill with air. I hold it until I feel the tears seep back where they came from. I’m not gonna cry here. Especially not in front of her. I want to be the first person that walks into my therapist’s office and walk out whole. Complete. Not broken. No crying. I’ve spent the last few months doing that already. 

  
  


Without the humming of the air conditioning and the peaceful, steady streaming of water from the fountain, it would be uncomfortably silent. As if she read my mind, Dr. Holdo patiently waits until I’ve come back down from the sad place I put myself in, and shifts in her seat. She unlaces her fingers from each other, and brings her hands toward her lap. Her fingers smoothen the fabric of her slacks, as I grab the ends of my fleece sweater and dab the corners of my eyes with it. She doesn’t speak again until I stop my motions. 

  
  


“I’m sorry. Let’s try that again, okay Rey?” I nod in agreement and let her speak. I’m not in the mood to talk, so if it means I don’t talk and she does instead - that’s a win for me. 

“I know that you’ve been through a lot.” My eyes dart to hers in defiance - “Not everything - But I know how it feels when people want answers to questions you don’t want to answer, about events you aren’t ready or never want to share...” My eyes soften in understanding. She gets it. Okay. Alright. I nod but where is she going with this?

 

“...There are things in the world you get to keep for yourself. But holding things in - letting it fester inside you can take a toll on your health. So all I ask is this.” 

 

I wait for her to continue. Her usual cheerful face crumples in concern for me. In this angle, she reminds me so much of Leia… Her eyes are shining with worry. Maybe she does care about me. She breaks eye contact and gives me a nervous smile before reaching into her drawer and pulling out two things. She pushes them towards me and I stare at them. 

 

I hesitantly take the blank journal and unused ballpoint pen from my therapist. “You’ve been seeing me for almost a month -” I zone out and examine my gifts as she spiels. Dr. Holdo’s business card is wedged in between the plastic wrapping of the journal. The journal itself is lilac and soft-bound and heavy. How many pages does this hold? The pen falls on my shoe, and it brings me back to her voice. “This type of openness is scary and overwhelming. So if talking to me is scary and overwhelming, then maybe writing will be easier for you.” She ends it with an encouraging smile.

“Do...Do I have to show you what I write?” _ Please say no.  _

 

“Only when you feel the need to, Rey.” Dr. Holdo’s voice is soothing, and I yearn for home. 

“Okay. Thank you.” I clutch the journal and pick up the pen. I glance at the clock and our session is almost done. But before I forget - “So in our sessions, I just write? And - I still show up right?” This is why I don’t speak. I sound like a fucking stupid kid.

 

“Yes, and yes, Rey” she laughs and it’s the happiest sound I’ve heard in a long time. “It’s court ordered and although I have already contested to accommodate to your availability, that’s all I can do.”

 

I don’t know what propels me to do what I do next, but I hug her. Dr. Holdo freezes in my touch. Shocking her and myself. I whisper a thank you. She smells like vanilla and feels warm, and I realize that I’m sniffling. Dr. Holdo awkwardly holds me, only briefly. When I release her, I find wet spots on her blouse and apologize. I can’t read her face.  If she’s upset, I can’t tell. 

 

“See you next week, Rey.”


	2. Drown them in charity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ho ho ho i'm on a roll~  
> anyway, this chapter contains underage dubious consent.

I make my way home by bus, but I make a stop halfway to a joint bookstore and coffee shop. I’m particular with my pens. It needs a grip, and from what I’ve inspected, the pen Dr. Holdo gave me is a generic brand I use for drawing. I’ll end up using it anyway, for doodling, but right now I need something hefty and that will last.

I have a lot to write about.

I walk out of the shop with my new pen and dash home.

  
When I arrive home, the first thing I do is lock the door. I have an intricate set of locks, and I’m proud that I installed them myself. I’ve always been good at tinkering with things and being on my own.

Almost everything is still in boxes. I’ve lived in this apartment by myself for a few months now. Since I graduated high school. I was supposed to live with Rose and start university together but she’s still in recovery. I hope she wakes up soon. I hope she doesn’t hate me.

At least I unboxed some things - the essentials - clothes that last me until next week, some mismatching dishware, old blankets… Framed photos? I don’t remember unpacking these. Some of it is just me. Others are of me, Ben, and mom. Weird. I thought I put these in storage. I pick up the one of me and my brother, and I don’t know how to feel. I know he’s locked up and far, far away from me. He’s crazy, but have I always known? I don’t know how to answer that.

I put the frame with my brother and I in a friendly embrace back in the box, but I keep the one with the three of us out. It was taken during a happier time, and I’m not ready to let go of that yet.

Unpacking always take forever because I have so much shit. The sun has made its home into the soil and the moon has taken its place in the sky. This is a good place to stop. My apartment looks somewhat lived in now, and I’m exhausted. Tomorrow, rent is due but that’s not a problem. My inheritance from Leia left me financially secure for a long time, and I already don’t spend a lot of money on myself to begin with. Ben did.

My thoughts drift to Ben, and I reach for my pen and journal.

_Ben Solo. The first time I met him, he was thirteen and I was eight years old. I had wandered out of my dilapidated house, dirty and unkempt crying. I remember trying to wake my parents but they would not move. I was hungry and I balled my small fists and beat their chests - and still nothing. Panicked, I went next door and banged my fist while wailing. Ben opened the door. Annoyance disappeared from his face. Alarmed, he called out for his mom as I kept crying. Leia appeared, and she immediately recognized me. She took me in and called the cops. Everything was a blur of faces and voices and bright lights, but all I could remember were Ben’s unwelcoming eyes on me._

_The only good thing that came from that day was meeting Leia. I remember it so well. She had just finished making dinner. She smelled like freshly baked rolls and rosemary. She had carefully wiped the grime, tears, and snot off my face as I hiccuped to a calmness. She fed me, and then after, she had Ben clean up while she gave me a bath. She choked when she saw the bruises scattered all over my body. She looked like she was going to cry. I didn’t understand. She didn’t do them. My mom saw them but she seemed like it was normal. Was this not normal? After the bath, Leia had dressed me in Ben’s old clothes. They looked new and felt so soft. She brushed my hair and braided it while I rubbed the linen of the shirt between my fingers._

_“Reychelle,” Leia stroked my hair after she braided them. It felt nice. More please. “I have to ask you something.”_

_“Okay,” that was the first thing I said that evening. Not even after I stopped crying when the cops questioned me. Leia gazed at me adoringly. She embraced me while I adjusted in her lap. I had to look at her. She looks too young to be a mother. If this ends now, I want to remember it forever._

_“We weren’t able to save your parents, Reychelle. I’m so sorry.” Even when she cried, Leia looked so beautiful. I felt myself crying too. Don’t cry, lady. I’m sorry. I reach up to wipe the tears from her face with my tiny hands. “You’re so cute. Thank you, Rey.” I smile up at her. “This is so messy. I get so attached. I’ve always wanted a daughter…” She holds me tighter, and I don’t want her to let go. Please don’t let go._

_“I’ve always wanted a mom. A good mom. You’re a good mom.” I rest the side of my head on her shoulder. Mmmm. Warm. Nice._

_“Would you like to live with me and Ben?” She asks, but I think she already knows._  
_I beam at her and excitedly hug her again. She holds me and sways me in her arms back and forth. My eyes meet the door, and I see Ben. His eyes fixed at me, scowling. Yikes._  
_Besides that, it was the happiest day of my life._

I’m thirsty and I reach for a wine cooler in one of the remaining boxes. Where was I? Oh well.

_I wouldn’t call my real parents my **real parents**. I don’t remember that much about them at all to be honest. Except from hearsay. That they were drug addicts who solely depended on checks from the government. That they left nothing to their daughter. At least that’s what Ben told me._

_Ben. I swear I make him sound like a jerk, but we were kids. It was common for us not to get along at first. But Leia’s tender love and care always made up for Ben’s callousness toward me. I tried so hard to get him to love me. I’ve never had any siblings, and now that I do - I’m hated. What’s wrong with me? Why don’t you like me? He shoves me when I get too close, and yell when I touch his things. So I learned to ask before I touch. He always hid in his room when I wanted to play. So, I wait in his room instead. He can’t escape me if I’m there. Pretty soon, he gives up. Now that he’s fourteen, he’s mellowed out. He still looks irritated when I’m around, but less so when I’m preoccupied, like when I’m doodling or reading. Like now._

_“Ben,” I whisper and he grunts._

_“What?” He has a headset on and he’s in a middle of a campaign - the controls gripped tightly in his hands._

_“Why do you hate me?” I ask meekly. I don’t want to upset him. I know he’s busy but maybe if I know what I’m doing wrong, I can stop it. I’ll change myself so he likes me._

_I hear him sigh, and what he says next shocks me. “I don’t hate you, Rey.” He pauses the game and toss his controller to the other bean bag chair._  
  
_I’m confused. Why treat me like shit if you don’t hate me? He gives out a frustrated groan and slumps on his heat. “It’s complicated.”_

_“You can tell me, Benny.” Leia calls him that. I can call him that too. I approach him tentatively until I’m sitting on my knees behind him. My sandals dig into my butt._

_He turns around - shocked by our proximity. Our nose can almost touch. He looks at me and… Shoves me so I’m a good distance away from him. My back hits his bed frame. My lips quiver into a pout, and his face is unreadable._

_I will myself to speak. “I don’t understand.” I look away before I cry. The next thing I know, Ben picks me up and sits me on the bed. He apologizes… Why…?_

_I feel it before I see it. He grabs my shoulders and kisses me. Cold hands on my warm skin, and my heart skips a beat. He’s kissing me everywhere on my face and brings me so much closer to his chest that it hurts. I fall back on his bed. He smells my hair, then he moves one hand into my hair and rubs them between his index and thumb. Does this mean he likes me? I smile._

_“You feel so soft...And you smell so nice Rey. Is that strawberry?” I look up at him, and Mean Ben is gone. I nuzzle his neck as I smile. He doesn’t hate me. I’m so happy. I nod in response. He tucks me further into his neck as he rubs circles on my back. My big brother. He does care._

_“So you don’t hate me?” I murmur._  
_“No, God, no. I love you...” He looks at me as he says it and I’m on cloud nine. His hands start rubbing further down my back to the exposed skin near my butt. I try to pull down my shirt but he stops me._

_I don’t understand how I feel. He is lightly tracing the pattern of freckles on my skin. It feels good but it doesn’t seem right. I feel a hard warmth on my stomach, and Ben groans when I shift under him. He holds my hips firmly on the mattress, and I flinch when his fingertips sink in. He nuzzles the side of my face, making his way down my neck then back up. I feel less weird and more calm._

_We hear the door open and Leia calls our name from down the stairs. Ben lets go of me and readjusts his pants. He looks back at me and sternly, he warns, “Not a word to mom. Okay?”_

_All I could do was nod obediently. Leia comes in and looks happy seeing us together. She tells us we are having dinner in a few minutes and disappears. Ben and I stay in the room for a moment. Ben’s affectionate demeanor returns and I feel warm all over._

_“It will be our little secret,” he says to me, looking down. He doesn’t look up again until I place my hand in his and smile._

I place the pen down and sigh. This is a cool pen. I stare at the empty wine cooler bottles. Geez. How many did I have? I feel like writing more.

_Ben used to let me drink with him. He was a cool brother._

_Ben has always been a good brother. I wanted for nothing when I was with him. He made me feel like I was never alone. He’d always be there, watching me. Always wanting to know where I am and who I’m with. I feel so protected with Ben. Between the two of us, he was the more responsible one. He taught me how to cook and read, and code. He’s really good at computer stuff. Once he was able to connect my computer camera to his computer using several lines of code. So cool. I know how to do it too. He used to help bathe me and brush my teeth. Run his fingers through my hair until I fall asleep, and left water on my nightstand so I don’t have to walk downstairs. He kept me company when Leia wasn’t home and made hangouts with Uncle Luke more bearable. He’d even ditch his own friends to spend time with me. I’m so lucky._

I sob.

I’m not lucky. I’m alone and it’s all my fault.

I can’t read what I’m writing anymore. I get up and I wobble as I make my way into my bedroom. How much did I drink? I momentarily forgot where my bathroom was. My bed looks so nice and comfy now that it has sheets and pillows. The fairy lights hanging from the edge of the closed window to the door of my room brings the dreaminess of the room to life. Oh. There’s my bathroom.

I take a shower and let the hot water pelt my achy muscles. I stay until my fingertips are all pruney and dry off.

Steam follows me out of my bathroom, but I immediately feel cold. Something is off.

My window is wide open, letting the cool night breeze in and my skin prickles. When had I opened it? I don’t remember opening it! I shut it immediately and lock it. In only my towel, I race to the door and check all the locks. I finger through each one, making sure that none of them had been tampered with. I release a breath I didn’t know I had held in. I scan the room once more and my gaze lands on Ben’s in a photograph. I wrap the towel around me tighter, and push the frame down before I leave the living room.

Making my way back to my bedroom, I left a wet trail but I don’t care. I lock my bedroom door just for good measure, and lie down.

Keep it together, Rey. Go to sleep.


	3. Thank you for defiling me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> flashback: Ben is 21, Rey is 15  
> NONCON

I wake to a pounding in my head and a soreness between my thighs. It’s almost noon. There’s a glass of water and a painkiller on my bedside table. I don’t remember being this prepared. Who am I kidding? I’ve been living peacefully alone for a few months. No one knows my lock system, and I always check my surroundings. I’m safe. I was probably looking out for Hungover Rey. I swallow the painkiller and guzzle the water from the glass.

Making my way to my bathroom is a challenge. It hurts to stand, and it hurts more to walk. I nearly trip on my way there, so I grip the door for leverage. I gracelessly shimmy my underwear off and plop on the toilet seat. I’m really sore - I think I’m having the worst cramps of my life, but my period isn’t due for another two weeks. My eyes wander around my restroom - I love this apartment. There is so much natural light here. So heavenly. My eyes land on the journal in my bed. 

I definitely don’t remember sleeping next to it. I wonder if I wrote anything while I was drinking.

As soon as I flush the toilet, I move towards the bed. 

The window is open again. It’s a lovely day. Sunny but breezy. I try to recall when in the night I cracked it open and my mind is drawing a blank. Ben was right. I am a lightweight. 

I shut it forcefully, then lock it.

I get to my bed and my journal protrudes on the sheets like a lump on the skin. I slept with it open I suppose. Pages are crumpled - but not by sleep, but as if I tried to tear it off. Strange. I don’t think I wrote anything upsetting last night. I read through my entries and sigh. I need to get out of the house. I gather my keys, wallet, journal and pen. I check the locks on the doors three times before I take off. I don’t wander far - I’m just gonna have breakfast down the street.

 

_ I’m fifteen and I’m getting the IUD. Ben thinks I’m too young to be getting birth control but Leia insists I do. You see, she had Ben when she was seventeen. Even though she loves Ben, she doesn’t want her life for me. Neither do I. I’d want that one day, when I’m older and more responsible - but for now, I just want to be a kid. _

_ Leia is sitting next to me, looking through the other options and comparing them out loud for me to hear, but I don’t pay attention. She already made up my mind for me. Between her and Ben’s constant texting, I should be reading the pamphlet about the IUD, but instead I’m using it as a bookmark while I read a book about sisters that kill themselves in the 1970s - like a Yaya Sisterhood of Virgin Death. I’ll read it at some point. I feel my phone vibrate - I don’t need to check that it’s Ben. He’s asking if I’m alright and telling me I don’t have to go through this. I try to ignore his messages, but every time I reach for the lock button, he sends another one - “you must be scared” - “”tell Leia you want to go home.” Sheesh. What’s his problem? Then finally, after waiting it out I received a defeated “alright. text me when you’re done.” I’m called from the front and leave Leia in the waiting room. I’m asked questions that make me feel uncomfortable then I’m directed to a smaller room with a bed lined in blue streaked paper, and a swiveling metal surface holding several tools that look menacing. There’s a plastic tube that looks like an elongated beak with clasps at the end. I start to breath heavy. Is that going in me? _

_ The whole procedure was terrifying. Of course, they didn’t cut me open or anything, but yes that horrendous plastic beak goes in me, and the pressure from just inserting it alone made tears brim around my eyes. It’s a speculum - the fucking thing has a name. Even with the doctor’s soothing voice and play-by-play of her movements, it hurt. I was told that I’d be achy and cramping - my body getting used to the intrusion living in my uterus. Ew. What a gross word. The cramping is immediate and could last for a few days. This is totally not worth the good five years this is suppose to last.  _

_ When I’m finally released, Leia holds me in her arms and talks my ears of about being responsible and smart. She talks condoms and oral sex as we get into the car. She talks about the guy named Han who got her pregnant, while we order sundaes and fries from McDonalds. She tells me she still misses him, and that she still loves him even though he hit her and then left her, as we pull up into the driveway. She makes me promise not to mention any of this to Ben. She tells me she loves Ben, but she wants me to be smart as I open the car door. She tells me she loves me before backing out into the street, and smiles as she heads of to her graveyard shift. _

 

I’ve always known that Leia tried to protect me from making all the wrong choices possible. But maybe, just maybe - she should have protected me from Ben instead.

 

_ As soon as I enter my house, I see Ben, and two of his friends, watching a foreign film on our flatscreen. A visibly annoyed girl in a yellow tracksuit is being followed by a guy her age holding a large bag and a crossbow. They are speaking Japanese, and thank god there were subtitles so I can understand.  _

_ “Hey, Rey - guys this is my sister,” He makes room for me on the couch. He gets up to pull on my hand so I move me closer. I wave at them. I stand awkwardly next to Ben instead of sitting, still sore from the insertion. He runs his thumb back and forth on top of my fingers. I don’t want to be rude, but I also don’t want to be here - I’m not in the mood. His friend - Hux, was it? - looks at us suspiciously, at our hands clasped together, and he looks like he wants to say something. Say it. Please. It got too quiet.  _

_ The pressure below my belly aches, and I cradle the area with my forearms. I need to find Leia’s heating pad. Maybe a nice nap would help. Ben frowns when I wince, and let go of his hand. I excuse myself to my room to lie down on my bed. Even with the doors closed, I can hear the movie downstairs. I roll out of my bed, make a beeline to the adjoining restroom, and search for painkillers in the medicine cabinet. I swallow the pill dry, and it’s after I take a sip of tap water from the faucet when I hear yelling.  _

_ I step out of my restroom and follow the voices. Everything is incoherent until I put my ears to my bedroom door. I hear my name - then profanity - then the sound of something - or someone - thump on a wall. I hear a table skid across the floor, then a loud crash. I will myself to be brave and open my door -  _

_ “What the fuck, Solo, are you dense?” Hux pants. “It was a joke! It was a fucking -- joke!” I hear him getting up and he groans. About what? _

_ “Get out -” Ben’s anger is palpable.  _

_ “I'd never... I know she’s jailb--” Hux attempts to explain but I just hear the thumping, like someone's fist punching - then the sound of sneakers squeaking on tile floors. _

_ “Get out!” I hear a bang on our door then the sound of it slam. I’m guessing the next sound is from Ben punching a wall. I know this because I’ve seen and heard it, growing up with him. I hear him panting. What’s going on? _

_ I know my brother gets angry a lot - not at me anymore - but at something.  _

_ I hear footsteps climbing up the stairs - it’s Ben. I ignore my achiness and quickly make my way to bed. I’m lying on my side and rest my left arm on my pelvis when Ben comes in. _

_ I didn’t realize I was shaking until he asked me if I was okay. _

_ I lie. Ben is terrifying when he’s angry.  _

_ “I’m sorry - we were loud. Didn’t mean to bother you.” I sit up as he approaches me. Sucks to be me, my eyes will tell the truth my mouth doesn’t speak. _

_ Ben, much calmer, asks me if I heard anything. I nod, and his eyes - warm and inviting - goes wide. He rushes to my side and immediately hugs me. I wince but he ignores it, stroking my back, then gradually moves them to my sides and down to my hips. He’s calming down with each repetition of his hands. I’m more confused than scared now.  _

_ “Ben,” my voice is soft as I address him, and he looks at me like I could break at any moment - “What happened?” _

_ “Don’t worry about it.” He says assuringly.  _

_ “I can handle it,” I run my hand from his shoulder blade to his arm, then back to his shoulder blade, letting it travel down to his chest this time. His eyes close and he takes a breath in.  _

_ He looks serene with his eyes closed and he stops moving, but I continue to stroke his chest delicately. Without opening his eyes, he breathes out, “Hux wants to fuck you.”  _

_ “What?” I blurt out. Ew. “Why?”  _

_ “Well, you’re cute--” opening his eyes, lets go of me then turn his hands into make believe claws. Using his best John Waters voice, he says “ -- and feeerh-tile!” I squeal and giggle as he tickles me into my bed. He’s laughing too - and when he stops, he smiles down at me. I’m panting, trying to catch my breath, then I’m able to think out loud. _

_ “God, your friend is a creep.”  _

_ “But I bet there are creepier guys out there, Rey,” He cups my face into his hands, gently. It makes me feel special, like a miniature sun in the middle of winter. “I’ll protect you from them. I promise.” _

_ The declaration leaves me elated.  _

_ Ben prepares dinner while I browse through Netflix. I always turn off the lights when we watch movies in the living room - it adds to the suspense. I find Van Helsing and press play. I feel the achiness from earlier and rub on my pelvis. Ben comes back from the kitchen bringing food when it cuts through a scene with a girl named Anna gets cornered by vampires. “You watch this crap?” Ben chuckles when I pick at my dinner roll and chuck pieces of it at him. I shake my head and roll my eyes. I ignore him when he puts his arm over the seat cushion where my head rests. But I tuck myself closer to him anyway. We eat our soup in peace. _

_ Halfway through the film, or so, my eyelids feel heavy. I find my left arm lifted, and my fingers absentmindedly caressing the side of Ben’s face. A glass shatters on screen, and I’m brought back to the girl from earlier. Her movements make me dizzy, and I feel wet lips on my fingertips. She’s walking in the dark halls of her home, and the lips from earlier trail to my neck then up the side of my face. My spine prickles. She continues to journey on, only equipped with a light and fire poker. I feel lips on the side of my face, and I turn only to meet Ben’s lips on mine. He’s kissed me before - but this is different. I try to push him off but he topples over me, hitting me where it hurts already. I gasp and his tongue worms into my mouth. My arms try to push him away weakly, as I hear growling and screaming in the background. I’m scared. Ben shushes me, pulling away and looking at me. He takes my head into his chest and kiss the top of my head. It’s warm and smooth; the beating of his heart lulls me. _

_ “Rey,” I hear him, loud and clear. He adjusts me on the couch to sit like I did earlier. “Did it hurt?”  _

_ “Did what hurt?” I respond, but it’s a lot of work to talk. He takes off his shirt  _

_ “The IUD insertion --” He brings his face to eye level. He looks handsome like this. There’s black spots on his skin that form a line - I trace it. I can’t speak but I nod my head instead. _

_ He’s moving my dress up from where the hem rests above my knees. The skin on my thighs prickles from the exposure to the cold. He gets on his knees in front of me and rubs them soothingly -  _

_“Ben, what are y--” I_ _stop when he gently massages above my pelvis where the muscles are expanding and colliding with the IUD inside me. It feels great._

_ “It’s okay, I’ll make it better.” He’s kissing lightly across the pain, leaving a trail of tiny fires in his wake. Is this wrong? It felt so right.  _

_ I hear the unzipping of a belt, and feel the friction of denim. _

_ “I’ll make it better.” _

 

I woke to the same soreness I felt from this morning, and panic. Breathing hard, I race home. 

 

_ I wake up to my brother in a white shirt and black pajama bottoms, adjusting my dress and I am lying down on my bed. He’s humming while wiping my face. I feel for it - and my face was covered in something cool and sticky. “Shh, Rey, go back to sleep.” And I do. _

 

I get to my apartment and scramble for my keys. I can’t get a grip. Oh my god. Oh my god. My hands are shaking when I feel them in my bag. I take a deep breath and I reach for the door handle. I scream when I realized that I didn’t need my keys - my door was already unlocked.


	4. Bandage them in tapestry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback: Ben is 22 and Rey is 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry this took long. dubcon sex ahead. this is unbeta'd

My left hand is still on the doorknob. My grip is tight. I take deep breaths as I maneuver my keys between the fingers on my right hand - with the pointed, jagged edges up. I let it dig into my skin, so that I’m hyper aware that they are definitely there when I need them. On my third exhale, I shove the door open and immediately I hear the clobbering of metal on the floor. 

My locks decorate the entrance floor and I feel my eyes bug out. I breathe from my mouth. The hand on the knob paws on the side of my door, and I glide my hand down the frame where my locks were once bolted on. How... _ How _ ?  I take another cautious step toward the light switch. I hear it click under my fingers…

 

The large windows of my apartment are wide open. I drop my keys. Trembling, I move backwards into the wall and call 911. I’m told they will arrive shortly, but it doesn’t comfort me. I call my Uncle Luke. He lives close by. It’s only when I hang up that I realize that my face is wet with tears.

 

I stay where I am, staring, watching for any movements that aren’t mine.

  
  


***

 

_ “How do you live with that guy?” Rose asks out of the blue, flicking pool water at my direction. “He’s so hot.”  I crinkle my nose. We’re floating next to each other, by the ledge of my pool near the handrails. Kaydel is nearby on a beach towel, nodding her head. _

_ “Are you serious?” Kaydel quipped, pausing from painting her nails. “Look at him.” We can see Ben through the glass door - shirtless, post workout, searching our fridge for a drink. “He’s a beefcake - no wonder your sister is dating him.” Rose rolls her eyes. _

_ This is making me uncomfortable. They don’t know, and I don’t want them to. I dip deeper into the water until my head feels cool and make my way back up. Rose smiles at me, “I’m just teasing, Rey. He’s… Just nice to look at.”  _

_ “I’m not,” Kaydel smirks. “I’d fuck him in a heartbeat.” Ben looks at the three of us, and then meets my eyes. Kaydel waves, and Rose smiles back at him. He winks, and I know that was meant for me. It’s a code.  _ Meet me upstairs. _ We are all looking at Ben and they don’t notice me nod my head.  _ I’ll head up soon.  _ He smirks.  _

_ Kaydel squeals, absolutely flustered. “Did you guys see that? Oh my god!”  _

 

_ *** _

 

“Rey!” I hear my name and the sound of hurried footsteps in the corridor. I recognize his voice immediately. “Rey--” I turn my head to the doorway and I see Uncle Luke, panting. Relief melts away the fear when he approaches, and I hug him. “What happened?”

 

“It’s Ben.” I haven’t said his name out loud since… “He was here -  I know it.” 

Luke pulls away to look at me, and face crumples in confusion and worry but quickly tries to calm me. “Rey, no, no. That’s not -” Luke brushes my hair his hand to soothe me and he’s trying to find the right words to say. I probably look hysterical, but I know what I know. I know Ben. I know  _ him _ . 

“Tell me what happened,” he says. 

 

***

 

_ I can hear my friends laughing from downstairs. The volume of the television is loud - drowning out the sounds we are making. We didn’t make it to my room. Or any room for that matter. Ben is fucking me into the pale yellow wall near the stairs. I grip the console table with one hand and the top of the staircase railing with the other hand for leverage. His arms are wrapped around me, tightening his grip on me as he thrusts deeper and harder into me. Ben’s face is tucked in my neck, and I hear him panting. I rest my cheek on his wet hair and I move my hand to Ben’s nape - twirling his hair and caressing the skin. My body is jolted with each thrust, thumping on the walls. It’s starting to hurt more than I can handle. I yearn for gentleness. I hear the beeping of the microwave and the smell of freshly made popcorn wafts into the upstairs hall where we are. He hits a spot that makes me moan, and he quickly covers my mouth with his hand - nearly dropping me. Ben pulls out of me swiftly. Another roar of laughter from my friends. He turns me around, hand still on my mouth, and my moan is muffled when he impaled me on his cock. Being roughly fucked like this is not uncommon with Ben. He was never gentle with me. The edge of my swimsuit rubs against me, deliciously in contrast to the friction of Ben’s every push and pull inside me. He turns my head to meet his lips. “Fucking - tiny - little - thing. Amazing. You. Feel. Amazing.” I feel like I’m breaking apart. My walls ache from scraping against Ben’s thick cock, and he puts all of his weight on my back, causing me to flatten against the wall. I try to find something to grip, the walls - the rails -  and move my hips away, but instead he grips my hips for dear life and jackhammer in - his movements erratic. My body flops against the wall. I clench around him tightly that it hurts when he keeps moving. Then suddenly, my vision whites out, feeling a blistering ache as he finishes inside me. _

  
  


***

  
  


When the police arrive, I answer all of their questions but I don’t feel safe at all. Not even with Uncle Luke there. He brews coffee in while they search the place. I follow closely behind them. 

 

***

 

_ I slump on the shower wall, spent. Hot water rains down on me and it burns my skin. I hope it cleanses me. My swimsuit feels too tight on me. I tug the navy one piece off and toss it aside. I finger the come out of me, and watch it circle the drain. _

 

_ *** _

 

We inspect my bedroom from where we stand, in front of the doorway. The door is completely ajar, their flashlights shine through. I flip the switch, and everything is unusually normal. 

Normal, as in neat and organized. Everything is in its place. My comfy bed is made. The white sheets lay on the bed, flat and unwrinkled. Pillows are fluffed and propped near perfectly on the bed frame. A framed photo of my family stands on my bedside table. Clothes that were on the floor were folded. This isn’t me. Someone’s been in here.  _ He’s _ been in here. The police look at me suspiciously. As if I am making this whole thing up. They check my bedroom window and it’s shut. “No sign of entry here,” I hear one of them say. That’s...That’s not possible. 

The bathroom feels a lot smaller with the three of us crammed in there. One cop hops on the edge of the tub to check the window above, only to confirm it is locked. The other heads back to the living room. I clench my fist. I am not going crazy. I try to retrace this morning in my head. Bed. Soreness. Bathroom. Window.

 

Window.

 

“Hey! This isn’t locked!” The cop in my restroom follows me toward my bedroom window. “I normally lock this. But lately I find it unlocked.” I push it up and it doesn’t budge. I’m shocked, and embarrassed. The cop eyes me, I can sense his frustration. I swear. I thought… I know… He walks off, briefly glances into my closet, and sighs. Yes. Yes I’m sure what I saw. 

When we make our way back to the living room, I walk into the first cop questioning my Uncle Luke. The cop is holding my tool box - where did he get that? Uncle Luke looks at me as he speaks to the cop, eyes filled with concern, nodding his head.

“It could have an effect on her memory, but she’s seeing someone.” The cop nods in understanding. He writes on his notepad and sighs as his partner, who was with me in the room, moves toward him near the door. He bends down and places my tool box on my table in front of me. The spoon on the coffee mug clinks. “We found this here by your door, near the kitchen. I also checked the windows and the locks. It looks like an inside job, like a middle of a...Reinstalling? I just want to make sure we understand what’s going on…” What more is there to understand? I’m furious. What kind of --

Uncle Luke stops me from lashing out. I’m not crazy! I’m  _ not.  _ I’m seething where I stand. “Those locks...They are the only physical things the give me a sense of security in this world. I never leave without making sure everything is shut and bolted. Why would I do this?”

The cops hands me a piece of paper with my case number. They offer me security advice and the standard  _ We’ll see what we can do _ before leaving. 

 

***

 

_ Kaydel is asleep by the time I join them downstairs. Rose is browsing Netflix for something else to watch. Full from popcorn she decides not to have dinner at my house anymore but promises to do so next time. Next time is hard to schedule since Ben is usually reluctant in having my friends over. I wish mom was home more often. She’d let them stay. Rose flicks through the selections and stops at Van Helsing. She hovers on the title and reads the summary. I feel immediately irked for some reason but I can’t recall. I pick New Girl instead and we watch an episode together. “Your brother can be so weird sometimes.” I turn to her. What do you mean? As if she read my mind, Rose continues; “He’s like hot and cold. He was all friendly with us at the pool, and then just before you joined me on the couch he asked me when we’re leaving.” Frowning, I apologize.  _

 

_ Rose rubs my back. “Not your fault.” I feel guilty because it is.  _

 

_ *** _

 

Uncle Luke insists to stay overnight to make sure I’m okay. He’s closing the windows in my living room and inspecting the locks himself. He tells me he will grab some new locks tomorrow while I’m at my appointment with Dr. Holdo. He sighs when he sees the photo of Leia and I together, and smiles at her. At us. “You were so small for your age then.” He looks back at me, and I nod as I approach him. 

“Do you believe me?” I need to know, or this arrangement won’t work.

“I believe someone was here. I believe you.”

“But don’t you think it’s Ben?” 

“I...I don’t know.” I look up at Uncle Luke, scared and vulnerable. I clench my fist. “But Rey, I promise. I swear - I’ll be here if he does.”

That should comfort me, but I can’t shake off this new frightening feeling. Of someone watching me.

  
  
  



	5. Language pure as binary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey isn’t in the best headspace right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for MalevolentReverie, who's stories keep me up late at night in the best way. Her stories inspired mine.

My eyes follow a pattern. Bedroom. Bathroom. Window.

 

I didn’t sleep at all last night. I stayed awake with the lights on, with my door open, with the window open. There’s no use closing them now that the locks have been compromised.

 

Bedroom. Bathroom. Window.

Bedroom. Bathroom. Window.

Bedroom. Bathroom. Wind—

 

Clattering in the kitchen grabs my attention. Uncle Luke curses.

 

A reminder that I’m not alone. I’m okay.

 

My eyes land on the closed closet door. I open it, letting the natural light in.

 

I’m fine. Really.

 

***

 

_“She’s lovely, Ben.” Leia’s voice echoes in my ear. Paige really is. She’s petite, and beautiful - her smile can light up a whole room. From the way she gazed at him, I can tell she’s in love with Ben. She squeezes his arm with her hand perched on him, and kisses his shoulder shyly. And, he beams at her. I feel my smile fade from my face. Ben looks at her the way he looks at me when we are alone together, bodies intertwined - happy. I feel cheated._

 

_“Thank you, Ms. Organa.” Fuck her and her lovely voice._

 

_“And polite! Reychelle can learn a thing or two from her.” My mother jokes, but it eats at my insecurity. I bite my tongue. Turning away slightly as if bashful, Paige pulls up the shifted neckline of her cardigan. My eyes don’t miss a thing. I zero in on the discoloration that subtly peeks through the fabric. Deep red crescents on honey skin. For a second, I feel sorry for her, yet I can’t help but feel jealousy coursing through my veins._

 

_“Rey’s great mom.” Ben notices my stare, and goes to pat my back, but I move away. I have no right to feel this way. Paige has been nothing but nice to me. She’s just so perfect and pretty and everything I wish to be._

 

_Leia gushes over how Paige and I are similar, and Paige meets my eyes. The joy from them fade when she sees the same marks on her skin, on me. I head to the kitchen to plate the food, as they chit-chat and laugh. I’m fine. Really._

 

_***_

 

Uncle Luke decided it’s best that I see Dr. Holdo today after yesterday’s incident. On the phone, I’m told that there’s an available slot for me in an hour’s time, and I take it. Maybe she can make sense of the past few days for me. Maybe I am losing it. He’s gonna stay at my apartment to make sure nothing happens while I’m gone. He’s going to have someone come by today, and install new locks on my door. I grab my wallet to give him cash for the labor, but he refuses to take it. Instead, he suggests I use it for groceries later. He pulls out the television I ordered months ago from its box and reads the instructions. 

I go to my bedroom, and the door to the closet is closed. I stop in front of my dresser near my closet. My journal sits on top of it, with my pen in between its pages. Curious, I flip it open.

 

    hello, rey

 

I drop my journal. Holy shit. I recognize that handwriting. The text jots out from the floor.

 

 

did you miss me, like i missed you?

 

 

I’m not alone. I’m okay. Uncle Luke is in the other room. I scramble to pick it up and rush out of my room to show him the message and he looks at me wide-eyed. He must know. I’m not crazy.

He then flips through pages. New entries, entries I don’t remember writing… In a poor imitation of my penmanship. I freeze.

 

i love you, Ben.

 

i miss you, Ben.

 

take me home.

 

 

Each line repeated in several pages. None of this makes sense. How is this possible? This isn’t me, Luke, believe me!

 

“I swear, it’s Ben! Please…”

 

“Rey, I think I have—-

 

“Please believe me. It’s him —

 

“—To take you to get help—“

 

“It’s his writing, we need to—-“

 

“Rey, please—“

 

“I need to get out of _here_!”

 

“Rey!” Luke yells, stunning me to silence. I crumple to the floor. Sobbing. He kneels down and holds me.

 

“Please. Please believe me,” I plead, whispering.

 

***

 

_“Believe me, I’m your daughter!” I’d never do this. I’d never break my mother’s heart like this._

 

_Turning around to meet my face, waving her arms around. “Reychelle — I’m trying to wrap my head around this.” Leia rubs the stress and confusion out of her face.The sirens outside our house go faint as they disappear into the night._

 

_“I’d never hurt Paige, mom. I just met her—“_

_“I don’t know what’s going on with you, Reychelle. Lying-- accusing your brother of hurting his girlfriend - you—”_

 

_Paige tried all night to talk to me. But Ben tried harder to get under my skin. Paige deserved better._

_I deserve better._

_But Ben had other ideas._

 

_“Why would your own brother push her girlfriend down the stairs?”_

 

_***_

 

“I believe you.” Uncle Luke’s voice breaks through my crying, bringing me back. His voice is gentle as always but he looks as though he doesn’t mean what he said. I can tell. The Skywalker eyes express feelings they fail to hide.

 

I scowl, feeling tears pool around my eyes. Stop lying.

 

***

 

_“Stop lying!”_

 

_Rose is the first to know. She grabs the front of my volleyball jersey. Sweaty and tattered from use, and it briefly reminds me of the state Ben leaves me in. I close my eyes, irked._

 

_I can’t be doing this with her. Not now. Not ever. This dies with me. She pulls me into the equipment room next to the gym. Pacing back and forth, her arms are crossed, staring suspiciously at me. “The lying… It started when you started avoiding me.”_

 

“ _I share a wall with Paige, Rey. I hear everything.” She confesses. “I don’t know what’s going on, but whatever it is between you and Ben-- it needs to stop.” Her voice croaks at the end of the sentence. She stops, and faces me._

 

 _“You_ don’t _understand. I had all these questions, and I read into_ everything _to find answers. At first, I thought I was just being paranoid. Just a coincidence.” She shakes her head and comes closer. “Paige having her hair in buns like yours. Sometimes, I’d catch her saying words the way you do. Then, she was wearing clothes that barely fit. Stuff I’ve seen you wear…” Suspicion turns to rage. “He’s having my sister dressing like you! Then, your brother… I can hear him, late at night when my parents aren’t around… Slapping her around, making her scream and cry —- he calls her by your name...And she lies— but I’ve seen the shit he leaves on her.”_

_I’m stunned. I sputtered, “The bruises, the nail marks...”_

 

_Rose nods, lips tucked into her mouth. Fuming._

 

_“Your brother… He is a monster.” I know. I nod, avoiding her gaze. “I know— my parents do too. They are sending her to live with my grandparents in Vietnam when she gets better.” My face is wet._

 

_“You’re my best friend, Rey.” Crying, Rose demanded, “I need you to be honest. Is he hurting you too?”_

_I can’t speak. I just nod, sobbing._

 

_Wiping the snot and tears off her face, her face hardens. “You’re gonna help me. Tonight. You_ **_owe_ ** _me.”_

 

_***_

 

I managed to fall asleep on the car ride to Dr. Holdo’s office. Uncle Luke drove me, and assured that the landlord would watch my apartment. He’d come back to pick me up a ten minutes before my session ends. He watched me enter the building before driving off, and I can’t shake off the doubt and worry radiating off him. This won’t work for long. I know it.

   

    I don’t wait long. Dr. Holdo ushers me into her office, and the air is different. She looks the same as I saw her last - radiant in a black pencil skirt and white button down - except she looks tired like she hasn’t slept since I last saw her. She straightens her skirt as soon as she sits on her chair. “So what brings you in so soon?” She asks, a social smile adorns her face, one that doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

   

    I take out my journal and pen. “Can we do something new today?” The words make her eyes widen in alarm, but it seems she catches herself. Smiling stiffly, she nods. Weird.

   

    ***

 

    _My legs sting from running home. Under the showerhead, I sit with my legs extended. I let the hot water pelt my skin, turning it red, as I massage the muscles on my thighs. Rose’s words linger in my head. Guilt coils around my heart. My brother is a monster, but I can’t help how I feel for him. My hands become rougher and rougher with my skin - nails digging in, raking - clawing. My eyes are sore from crying. I don’t remember the last time I was truly happy._

 

***

 

    “I think my brother is after me.” I croak, looking away from Dr. Holdo’s gaze and biting my lip. “I know he is.”

    I look up. She tilts her head, eyes large and wistful. Her lips in a thin line.

    “I know it’s him,” whispering, I confide in her. “He’s the only one I know who can work with the locks that I have at home. He broke into my house. He’s been watching me.” I swallow a lump in my throat. I show her the entry from this morning. “He _wrote_ to me.”

    Concerned, she takes one look at the penmanship. Her fingers trace the writing, and I see her lips quiver. She believes me. She believes me!

    It’s when she looks back at me that worries me. It’s not that she believes me-- She _recognizes_ the writing.

    I jump up the chair and grab my hair. Panting.

    “Rey, I need you to listen to me.” Dr. Holdo, seeking composure, tries to calm me.

    “How did you know? How _did you_ know!” Pacing around the room, I try to look everything. To the cracks in the walls, the clear glass windows, and cars passing by.

    She grabs me suddenly, hysterical. “You need to calm down,” she whispers. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. My breathing quickens and I’m pulling at my hair. Dr. Holdo’s gaze bounces back and forth from me and the window behind me. Is someone watching us? “You have to stay --”

    I run out of her office and out the building.

 

***

    _Rose hides in the closet of my room, with 911 set up on her phone, quiet as the dead. I sit on my bed facing the window, watching the sunset. My wet hair drips down the thin fabric of my lavender romper. My skin prickles from being this exposed. I hear my heart beating loudly. He’d be home soon._

_“Rey,” Rose whispers from the closet. “You’re gonna be okay. I promise.”_

_Turning my body to the closet doors, I respond uneasily. “Okay.”_

_I hear the door open, and slam shut. We go silent. He’s home. I reach for my brush on my bedside dresser, and absentmindedly start brushing my wet hair in the comforting way Leia used to. His footsteps reverberate from down the hall now._

_I close my eyes, and think of Ben and the way he smiles at me. Trying to remember the good brother he can be. I open my eyes when I hear the sound of my bedroom knob turning._

_I turn to meet Ben’s hungry eyes. Grinning, he acknowledges me. “You’re home early.”_

***

    My legs take me back to the corner of my house. I call Luke’s phone - I need to make sure he’s okay. Ben could be anywhere. I keep calling. I race upstairs. Please be home. Please be home.

    I arrive at the last set of stairs. The phone keeps ringing on the other line. As I get closer to the apartment my heart drops to the pit of my stomach.

    I hear Luke’s phone ringing, echoing down the hall. The door is wide open.

   

***

    _There’s a vulnerability to Ben that I can’t quite place at this very moment. He meets my eyes when he suckles my breast. His hands gently push back the hair from my eyes, and he comes up to kiss my lips. I stifle a moan. Beneath the surface, I’m breaking apart. Torn from exposing my brother and protecting him. If all monsters are horrible, how is his gentleness possible? He moves the straps of my romper down, resting his head on my chest. His fingers trace the silhouette of my face with the tenderness I’ve wanted for so long. “Beautiful,” he whispers. He reaches the bite mark he left on my side of my breast. Gulping, his fingers hover above it. “I’m sorry, Rey,” guilt evident in his voice. “I never want to hurt you.” His fists clench, and I grab it. I open it and kiss each finger. “I forgive you.”_

_He gets on his knees to help pull my romper down, exposing me to the cool, night air, and unknowingly, to Rose’s vision between the slits of my closet door. He grabs me by the back of my neck and my right thigh, kissing me roughly. My mouth opens in surprised and his tongue slithers in, going deep enough that I choke on it, coughing. The hand on my thigh moves up to squeeze my ass - then slap it hard. I yelp. “Ben, stop!” He pushes me back on my bed, pinning me down with his massive body, and lavishing on the exposed skin. It prickles as I struggle under him. He parts my legs briefly to settle between them, only to worm his cock inside me. I scream from the sudden force. He watches my face crumple with each forceful thrust._

_My brother is gone, the sinister monster has come out to play._

 

_***_

I can hear myself panting. Each breath increasing as I make it toward the open door. Silently, I creep inside my apartment. The golden sun pours into the stillness of my living room. No one is home. I click the call button again without looking at my phone. His phone is ringing somewhere in my apartment, and I follow it. I try to remain calm. The sound is coming from my bedroom. I look around with each step. No one can hide in daylight.

In my bedroom, the ringing of Luke’s phone intensifies. It takes me to my bathroom. When I turn the knob, I find it vibrating face up on the sink. I hang up my phone, and sigh in relief.

 

It’s when I pick up the phone that I notice dried blood on the case.

Alarmed, I open my mouth to scream, but I’m met with a white cloth instead.


End file.
